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How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2010 Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ram...

Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 01, 2010 After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track f...

Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: February 25, 2010 Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.

Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: February 23, 2010 Tourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director’s bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their...

Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: February 19, 2010 Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.

New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don’t Love Each Other Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: February 17, 2010 The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.

NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018 Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: February 12, 2010 The team of scientists says the 19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.

Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: February 08, 2010 Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or afterwork get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in ...

How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: February 04, 2010 Melissa Donley, author and cat relationship expert, visits Today NOW! with some tips for people in long term relationships with their cats.

Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: February 01, 2010 Chris Lukawski, a longtime devotee of the Packers and beer, is confident his battered liver and family can handle another NFL season of unrestrain...

Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 28, 2010 Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obam...

Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 25, 2010 In this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife’s body almost weekly for ten years before finally murder...

Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 18, 2010 Producers say the last season of 'Lost' will contain an unprecedented number of twists and turns for fans to endlessly debate aro...

New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 14, 2010 In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.

Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 11, 2010 Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."

Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 07, 2010 Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food.

VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 04, 2010 Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut.

Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: December 16, 2009 Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D.

Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Childrens Picture Book Series Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: December 10, 2009 Adult readers say they are drawn to the 'Green Man' children’s book series by the complexity of its characters ranging from yello...

DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: December 08, 2009 The DEA says Lil Wayne is an indispensable weapon against Mexican drug cartels having eradicated 40 tons of marijuana alone by smoking it himself.

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