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Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: December 03, 2009 Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: December 03, 2009 Republicans say they have found their fresh new face in the corpse of Ronald Reagan, recently back from the dead.

Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T. Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 19, 2009 11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.

Obama’s Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 17, 2009 Officials say the President’s home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go ...

Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Video Game Offers Engine Repair, Awaiting Orders Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 10, 2009 Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 05, 2009 Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 03, 2009 An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck.

Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 29, 2009 People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippe...

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 27, 2009 Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child’s obvious homosexuality.

Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 22, 2009 In The Know panelists call Biden’s decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'com...

Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 20, 2009 Steam Room analysts debate whether the International Fencing Federation should reign in this rogue, or if De La Croix will narrowly escape yet again.

Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 15, 2009 Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.

Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 13, 2009 White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It’s Gay To Smoke' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 06, 2009 The CDC’s new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totall...

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It’s Gay To Smoke' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 06, 2009 The CDC’s new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totall...

Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 29, 2009 On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually ...

Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 24, 2009 8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.

BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 21, 2009 Congress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber.

Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 17, 2009 As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate the claim that the newly poor are incapable of integrating with long established poor...

U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 15, 2009 Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton’s tedious visits to their farms, cultural cen...

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