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Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 10, 2009 Americans say attending a 911 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.

NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 08, 2009 Thanks to the NFL’s Mentoring Program, the Lions got to spend a fun-filled day with the pros learning to catch, tackle.

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 01, 2009 'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the ...

Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 27, 2009 In The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaur’s sternum-stomping-by-hooves inte...

Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation Into Panic Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 25, 2009 Government officials have not determined the source of the music or what it could portend, but they urge Americans to avoid deserted mansions, woo...

Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie Use Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 20, 2009 Despite eyebrows raised by his .850 batting average and Persian oil lamp he carries everywhere, 'Magic Lamp' emphatically denies...

White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 17, 2009 White House officials admit Obama’s extreme confidence and total euphoria over "hope" and "change" were symptoms of a prolonged manic episode.

Advocacy Group Decries PETA’s Inhumane Treatment Of Women Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 13, 2009 Women Deserve Better says PETA abuses defenseless, simple-minded women by forcing them to remove their clothes and participate in humiliating publ...

Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 12, 2009 Web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun.

Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 06, 2009 Child safety expert and ex-pedophile Terry Parker drops in on the morning show to share some insider tips from his years spent as a sex offender!

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 04, 2009 Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. econ...

Congresswoman Says Botched Plastic Surgery Most Important Issue Facing U.S. Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 30, 2009 Rep. Lynn Merriweather says bill will protect the millions of Americans who just want to appear as young as they feel on the inside, that’s all.

Evander Holyfield To Box Horse For Heavyweight Title Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 27, 2009 Boxing officials are hoping the once in a lifetime chance to see Holyfield try to take down thoroughbred Evening Dream will reignite interest in...

Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 16, 2009 Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until they drop from exha...

Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape Of Dragon Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 14, 2009 Supporters of the Pentagon’s Dragon Tank urge Obama to reconsider the fearsome power of titanium nostrils mounted with long-range flamethrowers.

New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 09, 2009 In The Know’s new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear.

Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out U.S. Assholes Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 07, 2009 Citizens across Mexico hope that the new Asshole Wall will stem the tide of assholes that visit from the US each year to aggressively drink, vomit.

Taco Bell’s New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 29, 2009 Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.

Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 24, 2009 The President says the purpose of the performance reviews is to have a little face time to make sure we’re all on the same page going forward.

Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 22, 2009 After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson’s trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.

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