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Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 12, 2009 Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you’d have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny’s Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 09, 2009 Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say w...

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 05, 2009 Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it’d never bee...

Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 02, 2009 Rep. Iscoe warns gays will give penises to lesbians who will give them vaginas so that homosexuals can marry and continue their attack on the Ameri...

Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 29, 2009 Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.

Nation’s Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 26, 2009 Girlfriends' spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes...

NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 22, 2009 Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.

Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 19, 2009 The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party.

Congressman’s Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 14, 2009 Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son.

Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 12, 2009 Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty’s antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.

Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 07, 2009 On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don’t even care about.

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 05, 2009 Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams' enjoyable, engaging prequel betrays what Star Trek is all about.

Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: April 30, 2009 Uganda’s Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself.

Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: April 28, 2009 On Auto Warriors two Ford plants will battle it out, building to the LIVE season finale event: one plant will close, 3,000 will get the axe!

Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: April 24, 2009 In The Know panelists discuss whether seeing images of dead babies and bludgeoned prostitutes in our sleep is desensitizing Americans to violence.

More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: April 23, 2009 A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans dont do their own work.

Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: April 16, 2009 Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately.

Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: April 14, 2009 Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.

Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: April 07, 2009 Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces.

Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: April 02, 2009 After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.

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