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DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 31, 2009 Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn’t investigate other suspects.

Congressmans War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 26, 2009 Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed.

Prague’s Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 24, 2009 Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere.

Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 19, 2009 Paleontologists believe the intact skeleton could shed light on the bizarre fetishes of this pervert dinosaur.

Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail To Explode Inside Targets Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 17, 2009 Steel Hawk Inc. is offering a full refund to customers who bought thenon-flesh-shredding bullets.

Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 12, 2009 Panelists dismiss the notion that something could go wrong with the 75-foot-tall crabs that shoot acid from their mouths.

NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 10, 2009 Online universities and bible colleges will be among the thousands of teams vying to prove they are the best in the nation.

Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 05, 2009 Rep. Gregory White (D-NH) tearfully asks forgiveness for the degrading and sinful acts he is about to engage in.

East Timor’s First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2009 Amivi Gama’s violent rise to power has proved that women are just as capable as men when it comes to brutality and oppression.

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2009 Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness.

Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2009 On Today Now, Peter Hedgemont shares the inspirational tale of how he has refused to let a cancer diagnosis convince him he has cancer.

Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff’s Penis Enlarger, Free iPod Industry Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2009 The U.S. is considering sanctions against the Eastern European nation if it does not reduce the number of unsolicited offers for Viagra and replica...

Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2009 Panelists debate whether games like Fallout 3 and Gears Of War 2 are teaching children skills they’ll really need in the End Times.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine 2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2009 Celebrity watchers attribute the exorbitant price to the incredibly low demand for any news about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2009 The Giants Coach said he valued the years he spent with his family, but wants to focus on more important things now.

In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2009 Our panelists debate whether TV programs like A Double Shot At Love and The Bad Girls Club depict unattainable levels of skankiness.

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 04, 2009 Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box thi...

How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 29, 2009 Author Jerry Bloom visits Today Now to explain how you can make your kitchen floor shine without falling and paralyzing yourself for life.

Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 20, 2009 In Beyond The Facts, we examine how Bratz are convincing a generation of girls that to be hip and beautiful they have to have gigantic heads.

Congressional Committee Debates Merits Of Proposed Inauguration Dance Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: January 14, 2009 Rep. Cummings (D-VA) wants to mark Obamas historic inauguration with an intricately choreographed dance piece of his own creation.

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