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Precocious Youngster Sells Cookies To Buy Attack Ad Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 In this installment of Beyond The Facts, a gifted 8-year-old girl participates in grown-up politics by spreading smears and lies.

John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 Campaign officials downplayed the incident, saying the senator was fine as soon as he was fed and taken to the bathroom.

Yankees Building New Vacation Stadium In The Hamptons Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 The new facility will be an intimate beachfront stadium where the Yankees can go to get away from the hustle and bustle of New York City.

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 The revelation that Obama's candidacy was the only thing that gave their lives any meaning has caused many supporters to wander aimlessly.

McCains Economic Plan For Nation: 'Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 McCain pointed to his personal success in marrying a wealthy beer heiress to prove how the plan could benefit every American.

Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 Voting machine DRE700 came out of nowhere to defeat Barack Obama and John McCain and become the first machine president.

Obama Promises To Stop America's Shitty Jobs From Going Overseas Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 In an appeal to working class voters, Barack Obama claimed his economic plan would save millions of backbreaking, mind-numbing shitty jobs.

Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast Of Maine Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 Rescue crews have been working day and night to free the former first lady, who has been unable to extricate herself from the sand.

Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 After comprehending the capricious nature of fate, the Jaguars could not go through with the charade of playing a meaningless football game.

Cindy McCain Claims Shes Just Like Any Other Female Human Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy McCain says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and consuming earth food...

First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 As controversy swirls around thoroughbred Ship's Captain, the horse's trainer says people should focus on the horse's ab...

Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 Disney claims its latest batch of child stars is so lifelike, youll barely be able to tell they have no souls.

In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 Panelists discuss whether Halloween candy and costumes have distracted us from placating demons to ensure a bountiful harvest.

Economists Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close To Collapse Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 The sudden drop in demand for "Buck Fush" T-shirts and "Hail to the Chimp" posters could leave millions unemplo...

Obama Undertakes Presidential Internship To Ease Concerns About His Lack Of Experience Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 Obama's duties in the Spanish government will include collating documents, negotiating treaties, and presiding over national days of mourn...

Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 On Today Now! paranormal detective Leonard Higgs explains that using ghosts to solve crimes actually involves a lot of paperwork.

Press Secretary's 'Zumtrel Flooby' Answer May Be Attempt To Evade Question Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 15, 2008 The press secretary explained the president's economic policy by talking about something called a 'grapewood straab.'

High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 16, 2008 High school theater's brightest stars gathered last night to see who would take home the coveted award for Most Awkward Kiss.

'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 10, 2008 World Of World Of Warcraft's amazing level of detail makes players feel like they are actually in a cramped, dark apartment playing World ...

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 02, 2008 Fast food giant Yum! Brands believes its new feedbags will make it even easier for Americans to constantly be eating.

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