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Messages From Our Troops To The Families They Can Barely Remember Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 07, 2007 In this Onion News Network special feature, our soldiers stationed abroad remind us there's still a war going on.

Mean Automakers Dash Nation's Hope For Flying Cars Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 05, 2007 Onion News Network anchor Brandon Armstrong argues passionately for the existence of flying cars.

Christian Charity Raising Money To Feed Non-Gay Famine Victims Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 01, 2007 A Colorado-based Christian charity is providing aid for any and all heterosexual Africans in need.

Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 30, 2007 Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city's annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row.

Preemptive Memorial Honors Future Victims Of Imminent Dam Disaster Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 22, 2007 Officials in California dedicated the Folsom Dam Memorial, which will honor the nearby residents that will die when the faulty dam fails.

In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 19, 2007 Panelists discuss ways to care for the nation's paranoid schizophrenics, such as hiding cameras in their homes or audio transmitters in th...

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 17, 2007 For a majority of likely voters, meaningless bullshit will be the most important factor in deciding who they will vote for in 2008.

Proposed (Classified) Bill Will Defend Against Flesh-Eating (Classified) Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 11, 2007 Rep. John Haller (R-PA) introduces a bill that will allocate (classified) dollars over the next (classified) years to fight flesh-eating (classified).

Viewer Voices: Where We Respond To The Opinions Of Our Uninformed Viewers Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 09, 2007 The Onion News Network’s Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers’ emails, texts, and chats--no matter how inane.

Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda With Patriotic New Song ‘Bomb New York’ Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: October 03, 2007 A group of country music's biggest stars have a message for terrorists: you can't hurt America by blowing up New York City.Listen...

African-American Boycott of L.L. Bean Enters 80th Year Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 24, 2007 The CEO of L.L. Bean pleads with black leaders to forgive his company for whatever it's done to cause this decades-long boycott.

In The Know: White House Announces 'Everything Is Great In Iraf' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 20, 2007 Panelists discuss why the media and public are not paying more attention to the overwhelming success of the U.S.'s invasion of Iraf.

Domestic Abuse No Longer A Problem, Say Bruised Female Researchers Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 17, 2007 According to a team of female researchers who all recently sustained injuries due to various accidents, domestic abuse does not exist.

'Students First In Line' Program To Offer Job Training At Needy Schools Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 11, 2007 The nation's poorest schools will receive extra government funding to teach their students skills like rifle assembly and precision marching.

In The Know: Are America's Rich Falling Behind The Super-Rich? Channel: The Onion Length: 162 Date: September 06, 2007 Panelists discuss a new study showing the gap between the wealthy and the absurdly wealthy is widening, and how we can help the merely rich catch up.

Missing Girl Probably Raped Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 04, 2007 Bloomington, IN police say they have absolutely no information about a missing college student. Alan Fisher investigates the possible rape.

National Lost And Found: Did You Lose A Flag Of The Marshall Islands? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 30, 2007 If you've misplaced something, the National Department of Lost and Found is the place to turn.

World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100 Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 20, 2007 Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain.

In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 16, 2007 Panelists discuss the "idgit," or idiot, voter -- the unpredictable, uninformed demographic that invariably decides elections.

'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 13, 2007 Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military.

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