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Troubled Democrats To Undergo Party Counseling Channel: The Onion Length: 104 Date: April 29, 2011 Democrats finally admitted they may need help to work out their issues.

Donald Trump Under Pressure To Prove He’s Not A Pathetic Sack Of Human Scum Channel: The Onion Length: 110 Date: April 29, 2011 Obama plans to rob Fort Knox, a 25-year-old man who was raised by parents is still struggling to adjust to human society, and the velociraptor fro...

Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five" Channel: The Onion Length: 144 Date: April 28, 2011 Jim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed "Fast And The Furious" sequel.

268 Feral Cats Removed From U.N. Headquarters Channel: The Onion Length: 109 Date: April 23, 2011 The rest of this year’s pop culture to be "pretty rough,” The Economist lets readers catch up, and a Wal-Mart greeter knows exactly how many black...

In The Know: Should The Nation’s Unemployed Be Buying New Apple Computers? Channel: The Onion Length: 184 Date: April 19, 2011 Panelists discuss how owning a top-of-the-line MacBook or an iPad 2 is actually essential to finding a new job.

The Onion Review: Congress Cuts Its Step-Son’s Funding Channel: The Onion Length: 163 Date: April 16, 2011 Aspen police frantically search for a missing ski, the show Ghost Hunters somehow always finds ghosts, and voyeurs watch a womens' march ...

How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You’re Having Sex With Him Channel: The Onion Length: 159 Date: April 16, 2011 Today Now! dating expert Rebeccah Rachel shares tips for getting the attention of that cute guy who’s thrusting his erection inside of you.

Law Prohibits Nation’s Shawnas From Using Tanning Beds Channel: The Onion Length: 83 Date: April 16, 2011 The Health and Human Services says that the country’s Shawnas are "tan enough."

The Onion Review: Obama Casts National Musical Channel: The Onion Length: 169 Date: April 07, 2011 Americans audition for a government production of Guys and Dolls, a jukebox flat-out rejects an Oasis CD, and a juror in Barry Bonds trial is read...

Introducing The Onion Review, The Most Vital Recap In The History Of News Channel: The Onion Length: 83 Date: March 31, 2011 Every week beginning April 7, The Onion will present a video review of the most vital events of the past seven days. Now, you can be completely ca...

American Dream Declared Dead As Final Believer Gives Up Channel: The Onion Length: 190 Date: March 29, 2011 The last vestige of the American Dream slipped away as a Pennington, IL resident quietly laid aside his hope of owning a bar & grill.

Damaged Women Stage Drunken 2 a.m. March On Washington Channel: The Onion Length: 144 Date: March 29, 2011 The Damaged Women’s Coalition angrily marched on the capitol this afternoon before returning later drunk and crying.

In Freak Accident, 34 Katherine Heigl Films Released At Once Channel: The Onion Length: 144 Date: March 25, 2011 The nation is still reeling from accident at Sony Pictures which unleashed dozens of films starring the irritating actress on an unsuspecting public.

Cases Of Shaken Manchild Syndrome On The Rise Channel: The Onion Length: 164 Date: March 23, 2011 While frustrated parents may feel driven to violently shake their video game-playing grown children who still live at home, it can have serious me...

Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish Channel: The Onion Length: 132 Date: March 22, 2011 Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish...

CIA’s 'Facebook' Program Dramatically Cut Agency's Costs Channel: The Onion Length: 223 Date: March 21, 2011 The CIA’s invention of Facebook has saved the government millions of dollars.

PSA: Ben Stiller Speaks Out Against Shaken Manchild Syndrome Channel: The Onion Length: 67 Date: March 17, 2011 Actor Ben Stiller urges parents with adult kids still living at home to think twice before shaking their manchildren in frustration.

Panel Of Caged Average Americans Weigh In On Economy Channel: The Onion Length: 124 Date: March 14, 2011 The most reliable caged Americans in cable news give their trenchant, homespun insight into current events.

A Friend’s Cancer: Good For Your Health? Channel: The Onion Length: 72 Date: March 10, 2011 A new study finds that having sick friends may improve your physique.

Onion News Network Promo Channel: The Onion Length: 32 Date: March 10, 2011 TV news where you want it — on your computer

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