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Anonymous Philanthropist Donates 200 Human Kidneys To Hospital Channel: The Onion Length: 71 Date: March 10, 2011 Hospital officials hope to locate the good Samaritan that dropped off a sack of human organs in the middle of the night so they can thank him.

9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says Channel: The Onion Length: 166 Date: March 10, 2011 An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda.

Plight Of Missing Hikers Will Make Great Movie Channel: The Onion Length: 125 Date: March 10, 2011 Media speculation is rampant over what exciting action sequences and romantic subplots the hikers may be experiencing if they are still alive.

Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times Channel: The Onion Length: 90 Date: March 10, 2011 New security measures put in place to allay terror fears are threatening to drive suspicious package retailers out of business.

Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again Channel: The Onion Length: 96 Date: March 10, 2011 Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city’s annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row.

Autistic Reporter Covers Gathering Of Crying People Channel: The Onion Length: 113 Date: March 10, 2011 FactZone’s autistic reporter is in Washington DC where friends and family of a gunshot victim are crying and hugging in front of a corpse.

Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Adapted Into Full-Length Film Channel: The Onion Length: 154 Date: March 10, 2011 Fans are worried that the feature film adaptation of the beloved trailer won’t live up to the original 90-second story's vision.

Arrows Manager Must Rescue His Kidnapped Daughter On This Week’s 'Late Inning Drama' Channel: The Onion Length: 41 Date: March 10, 2011 On the next "Late Inning Drama": When manager Wally Wright’s daughter goes missing, he's in a real bases-loaded jam.  But...

Slather Sports On Your Wall With Corrin’s Team Colors Sports Paint Channel: The Onion Length: 28 Date: March 10, 2011 If you’re painting with anything but Corrin's Team Colors, you're not painting for real.

Perfectly Good Tire Just Sitting There Behind The Kroger Channel: The Onion Length: 117 Date: March 10, 2011 The local Onion affiliate in Pennington, IL reports the tire is basically new and there for the taking.

Highlights: Meth Addict Rob Langer Takes On Hundreds Of Invisible Snakes Channel: The Onion Length: 85 Date: March 10, 2011 In National Crystal Meth Hallucination League action, Rob Langer goes 20 rounds in a marathon 2-day match up against an army of fire-breathing sna...

Finalist Dumps Fiancée On Their Wedding Day For A Shot At The Final Four Channel: The Onion Length: 60 Date: March 10, 2011 Another finalist hopes to punch his ticket to Houston for the Final Four by making a mess of his girlfriend’s wedding dress and an epic pre-marriag...

Check Out One Of The Vicious Dumps In OSN’s Dump Your Girlfriend Contest Channel: The Onion Length: 53 Date: March 10, 2011 The dumps are flying in! Check out your competition in OSN’s Dump Your Girlfriend contest with one of today's finalists.

Highlights: Man Defeated By Life Channel: The Onion Length: 65 Date: March 10, 2011 Life ran its winning streak to 345 million by beating salesman Dave Anderson, who after 54 years of drudgery, barely bothers getting out of bed an...

OSN And Bud Light Present The Dump Your Girlfriend Contest Channel: The Onion Length: 40 Date: March 10, 2011 If you’re a Final Four fan, all you've got to do is humiliate your lady on camera, send it to OSN and you could be watching the games fro...

Dome Extra: Sick Little Girl Fulfills Dream Of Heckling David Wright Channel: The Onion Length: 180 Date: March 10, 2011 The Wish Zone helps 9-year-old Phillies fan Allison Pencey scream offensive slurs at Mets third baseman David Wright. Featuring online bonus footag...

Get Your Onion News Network Action Figures Today! Channel: The Onion Length: 47 Date: March 09, 2011 Collect the entire ONN News Patrol team as well as the all-new "Missing Sorority Girl" and "Noted Author Pundit" dolls.

Al Qaeda Attacks Internet With Photo Of Adorable Piglet Channel: The Onion Length: 167 Date: March 09, 2011 The irresistibly cute photo was forwarded millions of times before servers collapsed.

Ear Of Genetically Modified Corn Begs For Death Channel: The Onion Length: 136 Date: March 09, 2011 In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that a cob of bioengineered corn in Iowa begged to be killed.

Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart Channel: The Onion Length: 95 Date: March 09, 2011 In local news, a hero soldier from Pennington, IL is awarded for his service in Afghanistan barely ten years after he shit his pants in fourth grade.

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