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Oklahoma Doctors Can Legally Pretend To Give Abortions Channel: The Onion Length: 139 Date: March 09, 2011 Doctors in the state will now be able to act like they’ve just given a woman an abortion and send her on her way.

Small Town Throws Pride Parade For Only Gay Resident Channel: The Onion Length: 108 Date: March 09, 2011 WONN5 reports that hundreds turned out to support Pennington’s single gay resident Paul Webster.

Incomprehensible Shouting Named Official U.S. Language Channel: The Onion Length: 153 Date: March 09, 2011 Congress has deemed yelling and screaming as the nation’s official mode of communication.

Kim Jong Il Ends Nuclear Program For Lead In Next 'Batman' Channel: The Onion Length: 91 Date: December 27, 2010 In tense negotiations, the U.S. State Department agreed to grant the North Korean leader the role of Gotham’s Dark Knight Detective. The Onion New...

In The Know: Is Pundit Duncan Birch A Worthless Idiot? Channel: The Onion Length: 184 Date: December 09, 2010 Panelists debate whether Duncan Birch is making a complete fool of himself on national television.

Excitement Growing Among Beatles Fans For Paul McCartney’s Funeral Channel: The Onion Length: 147 Date: December 07, 2010 Selection of the location for Paul McCartney’s funeral is generating anticipation for the mourning period following his death.

Chinese Gossip Blogger Fights For Freedom To Post Celebrity Up-Skirt Photos Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 30, 2010 Dissident Zhang Zhuohua fought against the repressive Chinese government which sought to squelch his right to post unflattering pictures of celebri...

Obama Outlines Moral, Philosophical Justifications For Turkey Pardon Channel: The Onion Length: 121 Date: November 23, 2010 President Obama announces plans to deliver a two-hour speech explaining his reasons for granting clemency to Cranberry, the Thanksgiving turkey.

Onion News Network - Coming To IFC January 21 Channel: The Onion Length: 61 Date: November 19, 2010 The Onion News Network, the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, is coming to IFC in January 2011.

Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan Channel: The Onion Length: 108 Date: November 16, 2010 President Obama’s proposed high-speed train system will be replaced with a fleet of buses that will rocket along highways at speeds up to 165 mph.

Oprah Invites Hundreds Of Lucky Fans To Be Buried With Her In Massive Tomb Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: November 11, 2010 Oprah’s biggest fans will be entombed alongside her in The Oprahmidion where they will bask in her wisdom for eternity.

Joad Cressbeckler Fears Genetic Modification Causes 'Wrath-Minded Taters' Channel: The Onion Length: 183 Date: November 09, 2010 Onion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler warns Americans that genetically modifying crops may have  dangerous consequences.

Social Security Scam Robs Elderly By Convincing Them They Are Dead Channel: The Onion Length: 150 Date: November 02, 2010 A new scam preys on the elderly by informing them they have died and instructing them to reroute their social security checks to the "Department of...

AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans Channel: The Onion Length: 157 Date: October 28, 2010 In The Know panelists discuss how Alcoholics Anonymous wreaks havoc on the friendships of Americans by turning the 'life of the party&...

Bird Hunted To Near Extinction Due To Infuriating 'Fuck You' Call Channel: The Onion Length: 186 Date: October 26, 2010 A bird expert visits Today Now! to show off the endangered Montana Merkel and discuss his efforts to save this incredibly annoying species.

Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister Channel: The Onion Length: 105 Date: October 19, 2010 Ohio police have been inundated with false sightings of college-age girls with dyed blond hair, Ugg boots, purple nail polish, and oversized sungl...

Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad? Channel: The Onion Length: 134 Date: October 14, 2010 In The Know panelists discuss Obama’s failure to repair Americans' Bush-era reputation overseas as drunken belligerent assholes vomiting o...

Biden Invites Nation’s Women To Tax Code Discussion At Private Mountain Chalet Channel: The Onion Length: 192 Date: October 12, 2010 The vice president hopes the American women can join him for a discussion of the Middle Class Relief Act and some of his famous braised lamb.

Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk Channel: The Onion Length: 112 Date: October 05, 2010 Over 75% of an average American’s exercise now comes from drunkenly dancing, stealing street signs, and carrying home passed-out friends.

Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk Channel: The Onion Length: 112 Date: October 05, 2010 Over 75% of an average American’s exercise now comes from drunkenly dancing, stealing street signs, and carrying home passed-out friends.

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