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Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile Channel: The Onion Length: 164 Date: September 29, 2010 Sex offender Michael Cote carefully engineered his rise to teen pop stardom to gain access to thousands of underage girls.

Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile Channel: The Onion Length: 164 Date: September 29, 2010 Sex offender Michael Cote carefully engineered his rise to teen pop stardom to gain access to thousands of underage girls.

How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You’re Banging On The Side Channel: The Onion Length: 202 Date: September 23, 2010 On Today Now!, golf expert Jordan Ritter has some Pro Tips for maintaining a steady swing while hitting the links with your mistress' hus...

Joad Cressbeckler: NASA Honeyfuggling America With Nonsense Space Dreams Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: September 21, 2010 Onion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler takes NASA to task for getting full as a tick on the hard earned money of Americans.

Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve Channel: The Onion Length: 109 Date: September 15, 2010 The emergency influx of bachelors is expected to combat crisis levels of good men ready for something real.

Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve Channel: The Onion Length: 109 Date: September 15, 2010 The emergency influx of bachelors is expected to combat crisis levels of good men ready for something real.

O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica Channel: The Onion Length: 142 Date: September 09, 2010 In this O-SPAN clip from 1963, the CIA explains that the accidental overthrow was due to "a little miscommunication" while overt...

O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica Channel: The Onion Length: 142 Date: September 09, 2010 In this O-SPAN clip from 1963, the CIA explains that the accidental overthrow was due to "a little miscommunication" while overthrowing some nearb...

Today Now!: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape Channel: The Onion Length: 193 Date: September 08, 2010 Author Nina Davis says you don’t have to diet to look slimmer, just mash your flab into a more flattering silhouette.

Today Now!: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape Channel: The Onion Length: 193 Date: September 08, 2010 Author Nina Davis says you don’t have to diet to look slimmer, just mash your flab into a more flattering silhouette.

Police Capture Nation’s Largest Crystal Meth Kingpin Channel: The Onion Length: 133 Date: September 01, 2010 Police invaded notorious meth dealer Daryl Krogen’s home, seizing dozens of bicycle parts and more than ten dollars worth of stolen paint.

In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don’t Give A Shit? Channel: The Onion Length: 152 Date: August 26, 2010 Panelists discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.

TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults Channel: The Onion Length: 129 Date: August 24, 2010 Doing away with kid-friendly info bubbles and colorful photos, new 'TIME Advanced' will cater to adults with an interest in news.

Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: August 03, 2010 On Today Now!, author Christine Eckard teaches Jim and Tracy to imagine economic problems as oily, curly-haired "Grabblers."

Guatemalan Flight’s Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 27, 2010 Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134’s data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of "altitude loss", "pretty...

Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 20, 2010 Today Now! welcomes entertainment reporter Alex Blair, who has all the gossip on Jen’s adorable new man.

Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 14, 2010 "'Molly' and Developmental Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Ives come on Today Now! to talk about her upbringing as a half-human, half-W...

Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 09, 2010 In The Know panelists discuss yesterday’s truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of contr...

New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 07, 2010 Tech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on ...

Future: News From The Year 2137 Trailer Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 06, 2010 While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With ou...

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