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Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: July 01, 2010 Susan Eckman from The National Archives comes on Today Now! to share newly discovered National Anthem verses about brutally decapitating enemies du...

Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation’s Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 29, 2010 ONN’s Terrorism Expert Omar Al-Farouq explains how Al Qaeda's love for the beloved teen vampire series prevented the death of thousands.

Future: News From The Year 2137 - Coming Summer 2010 Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 29, 2010

Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 24, 2010 In June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which w...

USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 22, 2010 Officials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family’s stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast.

Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 17, 2010 On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible.

Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 10, 2010 A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in th...

Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 10, 2010 A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in th...

Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 08, 2010 The paper says the new personalized articles target the interests of Massachusetts residents and final three Globe readers Michael Fisher, Camille...

Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: June 03, 2010 Jim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli’s wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin&#039...

Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 27, 2010 The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don’t completely rememb...

Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 25, 2010 Constitutional debate continues over whether public schools should include biblical Armageddon alongside global warming in end-of-world curriculum.

New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 17, 2010 The new feature reduces Google phone users' cell phone costs while providing them with unobtrusive, personalized ads delivered in a frien...

'Iron Man 2' Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched In Face Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Movie-goers are flocking to buy advance tickets for the sequel, hoping to be among the first to see the rumored scene in which Paltrow gets brutal...

Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.

DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son’s Room Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 DEA Official Stephen Lovejoy says Matt Lovejoy was found in possession of 1/8th ounce of marijuana and a glass pipe in defiance of the law and his ...

NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018 Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.

Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Stouffers says the suicide prevention tips are available on all single serving microwavable dinners whether you enjoy veal parmigiana alone or be...

Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He’s A Shapeshifter' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.

Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He’s Black Or Anything' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda—not because of his skin color.

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