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Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation’s Porn From Future Generations Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities...

In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 In The Know panelists debate how a high quality product like the EZ-Go Juicer could be available at such a low, low price.

New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don’t Love Each Other Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.

Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Live O-SPAN coverage of the 75th annual dinner with a special awards presentation to the crew who tirelessly buffed every inch of the White House S...

'The Cressbeckler Stance' — Coming Soon To The Onion News Network Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 This spring on the Onion News Network '08 Presidential candidate and unabashed straight-shooter Joad Cressbeckler returns to tackle today’...

Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.

Drew Barrymore’s New Tell-All Coloring Book Hits Shelves Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 A Hollywood insider since childhood, Barrymore finally reveals all in her new 42-page autobiographical coloring book.

Joad Cressbeckler Is Back To Claim Rightful Title As Most Ornery Pundit Alive Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 The former third party presidential candidate returns to helm 'The Cressbeckler Stance' and sound off on flannel-mouthed liars fr...

Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Tourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director’s bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their...

Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.

Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywh...

Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywh...

Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track f...

Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers? Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ram...

Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: May 10, 2010 Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.

Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He’s A Shapeshifter' Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 18, 2010 Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.

Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing Dog Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 16, 2010 The NCAA will investigate the Kentucky program for major recruiting violations including improper gifts of milk bones and rope tug toys.

Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 12, 2010 Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.

Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere Channel: The Onion Length: 0 Date: March 09, 2010 Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

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